Early this mornin at 12.53am.

i feel like commitin suicide. my mind is blank now. like instantly, i dont know why i want to go suicidal. as though God is protectin me. i know that ive hurt my mom dad and haziq. but i dont feel it (regret). i guess i have to think really hard abt de lecture i received, then i'll be remorseful. i am a bad daughter and sister. now, just typin de previous sentence just bring tears to my eyes. i feel awful for whad i did to haziq. yet he's so nice as to say "its ok" and "dont cry" even though i woke him up to say that. i was cryin when i apologise to him. and i always treat him like shit. as though he always provoke me. sometimes ya lah.as for mymom, i know she's a nice mom and cares alot abt me i guess, but i hate to conform. if she's my mom and she keeps sayin that she knows me very well, she should know tthat i HATE to conform to rules at home. i know its rude. maybe that is why i got no feelins and respect anymore for her when she's against me. i HATE bein de bad guy everytime. but i HATE conformin even more! i should slep this off.


i want to talk to hanis.

this was me bein super emo. to a point that when i went to de kitchen, i could barely resist takin de knife and just start hurtin or stabbin myself. buti refrain and walked to de fridge. when i opened de fridge door, again i feel overwhelmed and i could just used de glass jug to hit myself on de head. but knowin all of that will hurt (yes, one of my fears) and that i dont want to die just yet, i just poured de water from de jug into my mouth to wet my already very dry throat due to holdin back all those words and tears.

i did teared. im not that heartless towards my family. its been a long time since i cried in front of my mom. and brother(s). and i cry because i DO feel bad.


i must be emo.




however, tdy was so much better. i am ashamed of whad i did and had wanted to just keep quiet. but it turnd out fun so far. went mcdonalds first for brekkie (for my bros) and then geylang serai for another brekkie. chappati was damn nice and yummy! bought cloth for hari raya. later whole family goin to my aunts place to take new measurements. everyone (except me) has grown horizontally. and my dad joked alot to me. very funny.



i love you hanis. its okay baby. i know you would die, just to be there for me. thats why i love you so much. just knowin that on my own makes me feel better. and lucky.


im listenin to de repeated telecast of NDP. kaira gong just sang this years theme song, "My Island Home". and this is true for you muffin...


you will always be a part of me...