its not a good way to start bloggin again since i had many nonsensical ideas on startin with a bang. but hey, BANG!
im a screwupfuck. and im likin de word. its nice all meshd up together like so. im sidetrackin and writin grandmother's story.
first and foremost, i just want to say that im sorry. to de person i hold dear de most. like i said, im a screwupfuck.
please dont start thinkin now that im blamin myself. i am lah but its because im come to my senses. de thing abt me is that i will hold back my feelins to not hurt u. but then it'll escalate and i'll blurt it out in anger. then either one of these things will happen first - i will either calm down after a long pause or i will feel bad. dependin on whad comes out from his mouth.
im not findin excuses even though it very much sounds like so. truth is, up till now, im still confused with myself. does that make sense? i dont know whether u guys have felt this way before but im always uncertain of myself, of the outcome to my actions. it complicates things, the relationships (hanis and family).
i dont/cant think straight. if i have a problem, my mind will have a jumble of things - initially related and then diverted to all other junks that passes by my mind and/or eyes. basically, i get distracted easily. and its very hard to control myself, not that i dont try to. for example typin this entry out. it takes me alot of time and consolidation in my mind before i can do it properly like this. it took me de time from de bus ride, to walkin back home and till i bathed, up to now. i dont even think i make sense now. or other times for that matter.
it seems like i need professional help. and look, im digressin again. sigh.
to de one i love de most, im sorry i screw up tonight. it was so bad of me, to a point that i totally forget abt ur drivin tmrw. yes, it does consume me, just as much as it consumes you. thats why i sighed and feel weak; im drained out from holdin back my emotions to not hurt you and also by de fact that we keep havin misunderstandins/arguements. but then again, i'll always hurt u eventually. i want to be there for you durin ur lowest moments. i want to be ur "sista". it actually freakd me out when u said that. i thought u wanted us to be like ol' times again. and please do know that no matter whad, and i mean from de deepest corners of my heart (all de cobwebbed areas too), that I LOVE YOU and I'LL ALWAYS BE THERE FOR YOU.
im sorry.
since im talkin to u on de phone now, i'll just end here. hopin it'll be on a good note. *cross my fingers* (i just hung up tho cos i cant multitask that well)
