i just got home. de first thing i did was to release myself in de toilet. i had hold back since mid aftnn. tho i intended on goin to de loo aft im done w my entry.

i had some snippets in my head of whad to type durin de journey home. here goes...

i was okay just now bcos i was engrossd on readin my book. in a way, i thot u would come and i could stop readin and all would be fine again. but i realised now that it wasnt meant to be. like i said, i'd give it up to fate. tis is of course crazee still... i actually thot that i kinda enjoyd bein stupid and entertain u in de train as bein fun. i usually find u doin that embarassin but once i let myself enjoy it, it was fun. really. and it is damnn sad that it had to end like tis. im myself am not sure of how WE are now but it seems like whad it is - inevitable.
i am not okay now. but first, i have to say that tis is in NO WAY mean that i dont love u. i do. very much. more than i realised it when i have u. and u would definitely say, "as always". haha. i dont blame u. i like to throw away things, in tis case let go, and regret it terribly afterwards. but i keep tellin myself, " at least his alive". which makes a huge difference. at least, i can still know how u are, see u on friendster or ask around. tis will be 2oo5 all over again. but i hope i will be stronger.
in some sense, tis is a gd thing. it makes me reflect. and it makes u be free to do things without me controllin, scrutinizin, criticizin and manipulatin u. yes ppl, i do that. im not typin tis to make u feel sympathetic towards me (tho that will be gd i guess. haha). but it is to make ppl realised how ive treatd u and hence, why tis had to happen. i am a selfish, obnoxious to some extend, and a pain in de ass. i am whad i am. im sorry. i always i try to change and be better and u know how it lasts. not very long. then i will go to my ways again. and tis is also by NO WAY means that i dont love u. i tried, believe me, but habit is smtg tts difficult to overcome. yes yes, call it an excuse or whadever, but do know that i dont do it bcos i dont love u. i do. but of course, it is definitely suffocatin for u. i understand. which is de reason why i think i can handle it better tis time round. just keepin myself busy. which will be quite hard since my holidays officially started tdy and all i will do then is laze ard, emo-ing on most days. hah.
u said i have balls. i dont quite understand it but if i get it right, i think i have to say that im not ballsy at all. i was busy readin just now so i actually didnt think much into tis. i tried not to. u dont know how fast my heart beat now n then, esp when i start thinkin abt us. its heart wrenchin but i can still live with it. as long as ure happy doin whad u like doin without any guilt and consciousness towards me. am i makin sense?
i had a passin thot tis mrng actually that was smtg like tis but i managed to tell myself tt nahh, it wont happen tom us kinda thing. and look where we are now! hahaha. oh de irony.

a collage of our pics is here in front of me. it will remind me of our days spent together - happy or not. oh god, tis sad music on radio doesnt help at all...

my phone rang... i thot it was you.

I LOVE YOU.