i woke up tdy rmbrin tt i didnt get to blog last night. i fell asleep waitin for my mom to be done usin it.

i wanted to say that i felt very much afraid last night. afraid of the thought that he might sleep around. i know that now we're nothin but i guess if it happens, then i would truly know how painful it is.

i dont care whad ppl are thinkin of me right now. i really dont. all i want now is to try to live each day like this. but yest night has slightly proven tt i may not be able to get thru de day/night if i dont keep myself busy.




a part of me truly regretted whad i did. which i hope, is de littlest step i could take to bein a better person. but de other part of me is tryin to mak de best out of tis. when i watchd Bride Wars de other night, where Anne Hathaways character broke up w her fiancee at their weddin, i caught myself thinkin that 'hey, at least i broke up now. 5years only and not engaged.' and it somewhad made me feel better. until de narrator said some romantic-emo shit. urgh.

and id just realised (while takin a crap) that.. im much more clear headed now. more independant in fact. you should see how i took into account all my spendin, just so i have enough to sustain me till next month. since now we cant share our pay tgt. i even listend to aj who stoppd me from buyin things! wahh.. u now how hard is it to psycho me from spendin?! even HE couldnt do it at times. haha

well, all these said and maybe some done, i still wishd that i wasnt that dumb. you were right. he meant alot more than you and im sorry. ive been survivin because i didnt think too much into it. like i can still put our photos asmy wallpaper and just stare at it without cryin. so unless i do think long and hard abt our memories, i wont cry and i would just shake it off from my mind. but that by no means mean that i dont think of him. i do. alot in fact. but hey, whad goes around comes around kickin u in de face.

i hope that these things, can make me whad i was 5years ago. when we first met. i can see a little of de old me comin thru. like im no longer dependant (ok, tis is not by choice, obviously), im stronger than i think i am (also not by choice) and i feel like im sheddin a ton of things tt i dont know whad it is of my shoulders. i feel free (which is a bad thing actually). but all in all, i just wishd that down de road, we can still see each other and realised that de person who we both fell in love with, is STILL there. within us.
i hope to see de light to that day. just hopin tho i know otherwise. but lets not burst my bubble till it happens.

hes flyin off to brunei tonight. i pray that he has a safe journey to brunei and back. and also when he is doin his outfield duty. i will always pray for your safety even tho after whad i did, i dont mind u cursin at me so i get run down by a car. and im not tryin to say/show tt im a good person. cos im not. so, just have a safe trip and i look forward to you comin back home to singapore.


im sorry. and i lov...
im sorry for whad ive done.