a memorable chinese new year. an auspicious day for most, an unauspicious one for me.

today is the day i drowned myself. the day i put a bullet through my head.

i had to do something. it might have been triggered by someone. it must have. and so we talked. and we tried to have a mutual agreement. which seemed fine at first though somewhat sad. but it turned out ugly after the unevitable truth.

i dont blame you. i deserve every single clothes that you threw. i deserve not to be spoken to. dont forgive me. i have sinned and you had to took the brunt of it. it cuts you so deep. i know. and yet, you think, if i know, why the fuck did i do it?!

that, i dont know..... or maybe i do. but now there isnt a point in making it known and proven. you have made up your mind, and i dont blame you. i dont blame you if you hate me so much that you didnt want the photos of me and us, but please, i want you to have that. you can do whatever you want with it - burn it, shred it, post it all over internet - i dont care because i deserve it. i just wanted you to have it. what you do with it is entirely up to you.

again i say, i dont want you to forgive me. you are better off with someone who treats you better than me. despite the length of our relationship, its obvious that i am still unrepentant. i still dont show that i care for you. and so, if i you do find someone, i wish you all the best. and the memories will stay with me forever.

i have not cried since ive got 'thrown out'. i deserve it. it wasnt his fault so please dont judge him. the things i do has hurt him tremendously and im afraid, the friendship we thought could be mutual, doesnt seem likely to exist. and its fine. well, not really, but i will swallow the coal i burnt myself.

this was supposed to be short entry. and im tryin to keep to that. please, i dont want ANY guys to bother me for now. i just need my girlfriends. and my family. im not crying yet probably due to me suppressing me emotions and by not thinking to much about the past and the memories. its lovely memories but i will think of it at other times; times that i need to tell myself that im "lucky to have been where i have been". and that to be loved so greatly by someone who cares for you his whole heart and soul, was pure blessing.....

im sorry. im not strong enough now. my emotions have overtook me. i need to go.

to you my soulmate, which i still do believe you are, im truly sorry. though i know, words that comes out from my mouth now are just gibberish to you. but i hope, with all my heart, that fate will not be cruel to me.

to you, who might feel that you are to be blamed, i just want to say that it takes two hands to clap. so please dont feel guilty. i believed that what happened/happens, has its reason. and i want to believe that, so pleasee pleasee pleaseeee dont shun yourself.




to you my soulmate, im sorry. ive asked God for a second chance to be with you and i blew it. i do not deserve another but if fate intervenes, i accept it. with open heart. for now, let me be your enemy. and i would really like to thank you from the bottom of my heart, for the Love, Care, Concern, Patience, Money, Sacrifices and Sufferings that you have given and endured for me, i sincerely thank you for it. please be strong because i know you really are stronger than me. as fucking ironic as this sounds, i still do love and care for you. but i guess its safe to say that i really dont because of what i did. and i'll let you be the judge of that.

i hope ive made you happy at some point of your life that you dont want those memories to be forgotten. that is my only hope.



i'll always love you. and im sorry, bestfriend.