im so much better tdy. and aft 3 days of gettin my rest i think tts whad cured me. but i refused to believe that. why? because last night i indulged in de book (twilight) till 3am. and i could actually feel myself gettin better. de irony huh.. so no mc for tdy. blearghhh


im confused. as confused as Bella i twilight but at least she can still get her head clear now and then. and that shes positive about de guy she loves. i, on de other hand, is so damn confuse abt it.

i dont know whether im ready to get back to him. de thing that makes me wanna be tgt again is tt i wanna be there for him. when hes sick, when hes sad (tho tis is my fault), when hes lonely (also my fault). actually i think everythin tt he is feelin now is my fault. and so i feel obliged to be there for him. its soo damn sad tt i actually said that but its how i feel. because honestly, currently, i feel good bein on my own. its quite sad that our meetin yest didnt really made me feel anythin more. i just wantd to hug him, and maybe a peck on de cheek. which is all a friendly gesture and just that, friendly. i dont know where de 5yrs worth of feelins and memories have all gone. or maybe i didnt dig it deep enough into my heart, my mind.. for i am feelin a tinge of sadness thinkin tt we werent like we used to. but im still confused..!! im not exactly waitin for any excitement of a flirtin social life right now. tis week wasnt much i guessd cos i was sick and whads w de new timetable, its REALLY wreckin my brain and muddlin every cell there is in my brain w all tis emotion. so i always ended up w a blankness in my head. nothin accomplished, nothin gained. i really need to get better and start workin my ass off but all i want now is for de weekend to come. so that i can relax. and maybe meet him again.

i hope someone is here to tell me whad i just need to know, to hear, to feel. i am sooo muddled! i need to be in a comfort zone before i can open up i guess. and tis week, its just not de time.

readin his blog has made me somewhad positive as to why i dont feel it yet. hes changed. i always dont mind him changin bcos he always changed to suit me, to make me happy, to make me feel so lucky. im not sayin that whadever his changes now, its makin me unlucky or tt im not grateful, i still am. but theres just one change tt i cant seem to 'put out'. its like i dont know why he still does it. i guess to each his own and i have no damn right to be in his business. i guess he was right abt me. tt im still unhappy and not over him bein imperfect now. as much as i dont feel it abt us, i still very much care and worry abt him. maybe its already routined in me, i dont know. i do wish it was more. more like whad we had in de past years.

also, i just have tis idea in my head. as u ppl know, im quite open. in alot of ways. but i thought at tis time, since im single, i wanna be like any normal girl. with de guys doin everythin in their ability to get me. i wanna be a damsel in distress. yeah, probably gettin tis idea from readin too much but its de gist of it. i just wanna, maybe for once, de girl that is bein chased. not ME chasin de guy.
though i must say, that is probably my strength. my ability. i will try to get tt person till he rejects me. blatantly, from experienced. haha. sad but true. that defines me i guess. makes me somwhad... different? i dont know. u tell me.

but i also, dont feel like it. i feel like i should just get back w him. on Vday. make it a bang while im at it. and tho im still not gettin de feelins right, i hope and i WANT to stay w him, stay to de idea of bein just w him. reckless i know but i feel that i can do it. its like a challenge for me. tho it sounds very risky to anyone else. like how am i gonna make it work if im unsure right? well, i know that if i put my mind to it, i can. i guess i know i always could. but chose de easier option of not thinkin n be disciplined.


i hope de weekend come soon. i need to be out under de sun and let it evaporate my emotions away. till only gd memories, like salt, stays in me. and then maybe i will realised that thats all i need. and hopefully, wake me up due to de high of it. of de memories.

ps: aj and ad thot tt we got back tgt yest cos i calld for a conference abt a gd news. haha. kinda thot they'll think tt way. it was actually abt jason mraz tics tt he came across online. sighh.. despite all de hurt, he still thinks of me in every way. i WANT to feel tt way again. please.