to quote my principal, 'siti is bubbly...'

that is so not true now. im probably de most pessimistic and lazy person ever in tis sch. everytime i come to werk, a feelin of dread and emptiness consume me. its not de workload. i would be able to handle it like before had i not been so emotionally draind. even my students think im angry and black-faced always tt they are afraid to approach me anymore just to disturb and talk to me. sighh..

de emptiness truly consumes me to a point tt i have sooo many suicidal thoughts. so many. and its not tt i dont try to not think of it. i do. but just knowin tt i can be unconscious and not think, seems v appealin.

i know i have friends. true. but i dont wanna bother them everytime. its definitely not healthy sufferin alone and unable to tell someone but i dont want to bother them. i never u knew why some ppl can not talk to others abt how they feel even tho they know they'll feel better but now i know. anyway, its meant for me to suffer in silence. i shouldnt be typin tis at all. so please, dont sympathise me. its no point. i will never learn my lesson, never repent, never change. so dont bother wastin ur effort and time on me, a person who can never be a truly good person.

i despise myself. its true tt im angry and miserable. more miserable than angry. but i should be angry at myself. for i was de one who poisond my own drink. thinkin i get de high and fun out of it for a short moment. and as it turns out, i overdosed. at my own doin that i cant undone.

despite de many encouragement to 'move on w my life' and 'dont worry, u guys will be together again'.... i prefer sniggerin at it. de idea. both ideas. for i bet, im no longer myself now, like whad my principal had quoted and i SERIOUSLY doubt de idea of gettin back. it just hurts to keep tt hope lingerin within me when everytime i look forward to readin, it just makes my heart pop.

i seriously welcome tt passin out moment again. for when it happens again, i Promise im gonna concuss. and prefereably, bleed.


and if i can keep to this promise, u will know tt i can commit tis time.