its settin in again. tis crushin feelin. i knew i shouldnt have given up. but i cant win! so theres no point.

im just left with tis hollow feelin. looks like other people are movin on. i may look like im movin on. but i guess its a gd thing. im a gd liar if i wasnt so honest. too bad doin a gd thing after a bad thing still wasnt enough. sighhh... of couse it wasnt. its unacceptable.

i hate knowin that i still hurt people when im not even close to them. but i guess people WILL move on and be better.

just whad ive been feelin.. thinkin it out loud now. hope no one minds.well, no one should. its my fuckin blog.

Urges and Wants can change you. and maybe never change you back. de thing im most afraid of. whad if.. whad if... its too scary to think of. it just crushes me. crushes my hope. my future. i know its too early to say anythin but at de rate things have been, even with de multiple breakups, im still 2nd in line. passion for smtg else is 1st. it just FUCKIN HURTS to be placed 2nd in line to someTHING. someone is fine, like family. but someTHING?! God, i deserve it...

..... i missed de old times. before NS. when we were still in school. i wish i could blame army for tis. i wouldnt have strayed so much if i could have been with him. why must all these happen!!!whyfuckinwhy!! army really destroyd my whole life.!

you guys must be thinkin that i shouldnt be blamin army cos thats inevitable. SEX IS INEVITABLE TOO BUT NOT EVERYONE GOT PREGNANT! im not makin sense am i?! i dont fuckin care. nobody cares anyway. i dont know why i agreed to those promises. its not helpin me at all. theres noone else i want, so why should i help myself to be better when i cant get whad i want?! you can say lifes not fair and not everyone gets whad they want. but whadever. movin on is never a gd idea. i dont know how it can help someone who is mostly in need of a companion.

but i dont think i want him back if hes de same. ALL OVER FUCKIN MUSIC. i can say sooo many bad things here but id rather not. im fuel by anger here but at least i still have de decency to be nice. im not sayin that ure not. so dont be emo. im just so fuckin angry that i cant do ANYTHIN abt me life. de way i want it to be. de way it.. was.

why was i such a dumbasss!!! i hate myself soomuch for ruinin my own future!!! i just wanna scarr myself to death!!! no point lookin nice and havin a job when u dont have a fuckin lifeee!!! why fuckin whyyy must i still keep to my promises when nofuckinbody caresss!!!!!


FUCK DE WORLD! FUCK ARMY! FUCK DE FUCKIN MUSIC!! FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!