thank God in some sense for tdy's latest sickness that has befall me. it gives me a timeout from school. which, curently, im in need of.

ive never been so disturbed by somethin that i couldnt sleep. my eyes were definitely tired and super droopy last night but my sight was very awake and aware. i did dozed off before wakin up again with de emotions crushin me again. i couldnt make myself sleep till 3am. my insides were so crushed and numb. i dont want to cry. but of course, some tears just escaped de barrier and rolled down aimlessly. like me now.

de first thing that hit my mind when i woke up tis mornin was "Was last night a dream? Did it really happened?" and a few seconds later, with clarity and de crushin feelin overwhelmin me, i knew that im not dreamin. not even a nightmare. tis is living hell.

i couldnt tell anyone. when i was in physical pain yest, all i wanted was to talk to him. help me feel better. but i guess i have not been doin de same to him. tis is just too bad. for both of us. and i hate myself for puttin him in it. he doesnt deserve tis. all of it was my fault. i started tis whole mess.

i gues theres no point i hidin anymore. nothin miraculous is goin to happen tis time and it will probably strengthen his point of view.
i had conflictin emotions as to my decision that night. i realised after a week or so that tis doesnt feel right. it doesnt feel de same. that maybe he was right; that we should have taken a step back and breathe. but i wanted to hold on to my promise and seriously hope that things CAN be like before. tis by no means mean that i didnt love him anymore. i still do, thats why it hurts. it just mean that it wasnt like de love we had before. BEFORE i screwd up. twice.

there really isnt anythin else i can do. believe me, i want to do soo many things to correct everythin but with a will so strong and a cut soo deep, nothin i do will make him feel better. nothin. im totally useless now.

i just wantd to let my emotions out for last evenin u know. we were playin a game over de phone, called Top 5. he came up with it. it was enjoyable till we came to Top 5 Things You Will Do The Last Day Before You Die. i HAD to come up with that, huh? so his answer were:
5th = Wake up and surf.
4th = Meet up with his friends and family. Spend time tgt.
3rd = Go jammin with his friends and create emo songs. (tis point i felt like "uh.ok. maybe im comin up next"
2nd = Cook for everyone.
1st = Listens to his ipod and die peacefully.

i was heartbroken. heartwrenchd. fuckin disappointed. and definitely pissed. so i felt that i had de right to give an "attitude". my mood definitely dwindled and i couldnt even give my Top 5 to do before i die.

i guess he wants to save me from all these disappointment and heartaches. that he knew he'll never be okay properly. he was strugglin, and with his new mindset (compared to de first time i knew him), it wasnt possible. hes changed. and nothin i do can make him be whad he was, whad he wanted to be for me and definitely not gettin any better. im a nobody now.

im not blamin him. i never will. all tis was my doin and my burden alone. much too bad that i had draggd him into it. i should have left de first time i screwd up. hes too emotional bcos i meant too much. he meant de world for me too. and yet, im a complete slut.

ive changed too. i dont deny that. but there is only one thing that i am POSITIVE and WILL STICK TO IT TILL I DIE. that will never change.


to you
i will still keep to my promises. and i will still love you. im sorry for all these hurt. i would love to say i was immature and young, but that doesnt change anythin. ur friends were right to hate me. i seriously wish u find someone soo much better in de future. someone who will take care of you, make you smile and laugh, be sensitive to your feelins and most importantly, truly treasure you. deep down, you are still there. de old you. and if im right and tis adolescent phase is over, you WILL find that old you back. and i will be envious of that girl. because she could pull through and be there for you. im really not at all good for you. ive been tellin you since de first time we got tgt, rmbr? i will respect your wish. i will not come into any form of contact with you. i hope that makes it slightly easier to move on. we both know tis is living hell. to be alone and not intimate. intimacy in terms of being able to tell anythin. being.... my bestfriend.

i have gone against my numbin strategy. tis is just too much to control. i bid you farewell. get well soon and please take care. eat properly, dont skip meals. enjoy being single and free of de past. do all that you've wanted to accomplish, esp those by tis year. you can keep de kaiser chiefs tics and go with lim n sharpa.



its not that i dont want to fight. its just that i dont think i should. respect. - snabs