yesterday has to be de HAPPIEST and SADDEST DAY of my life after de breakup.
he is so gorgeous. i just wanna run my hand thru his messy afro and cup his face in my hands and just stare into his magnificent eyes forever.
ive missd that face. i realised i was starin at his nose alot when we were talkin. subconsciously. im pissd w myself for barely rememberin half de things that he said. but i can remember that whole person for a very long time from now.
it hurts so bad just sittin down there, beside him, when i know i can just reach over and touch his beautiful face. and just trace de areas under his eyes, his cheekbones, his nose bridge and his lips with my fingers.
but beneath all that emotions, lies a deeper fight, within myself. de fight to, for once in my life, put him honestly before me. de fight to help him be a better person.
he is by NO way not good enough. he is. but in a very pessimistic way. not de way he used to be. its hard because as much as i want him to change to be a happier and less negative person, he likes bein like tis. he doesnt Want to change. and i no longer want to disagree w him.
but tis does not mean that im gonna give up on him. you see, i decided to just leap into de idea of talkin to him. because tis picture poppd in my head and i just had to do de right thing.. for once.
picture tis.. you have just ruind de one you love's future/life/soul. he tried to stay as friends even though you screw up big fuckin time. but u dont think its enough (whad a bitch!) and he cant give you that. eventually, he decided that he thinks a clean break will be good. but at tt point, you werent up for it. after many unhappy moments, you sort of rationalise and realised tt you are bein selfish. and that you should give him whad he wants. tho by then, you dont really know whad he was feelin. so anw, you just cut off all ties w him. and he realised it and seems upset. after awhile it seems like That too doesnt seem to help him. which suddenly makes you wonder.... is it de right thing, to ignore a person whom u still love, when u have just caused him misery for like 5 months and it was because of whad YOU did, not him?? it doesnt seem fair is it? so you try to do de right thing now right and TIS i believe is de start of de right thing for me to do..
i might need more perseverance and patience, somethin i tend to take very lightly when im w him. but if I wanna make amends, and he is kind enough to talk to me, i think tis might werk. if i can show him how truly loyal i am to tis mission, its a step taken to show that im repentant.
some of you my disagree, but i think TIS might be de reason as to why my many (ok, two..) suicidal attempts didnt go well. yeah... that just clickd in my head as i type away... TIS IS my salvation! i need to be strong for him. i need to just be there. to let him know that yes, there are still ppl who cares. that he didnt change into someone bad. he is de last person to be known as Bad. but yes, i cant deny de fact that ive been taken off-guard alot by whad he has been up to. one of which nearly tore my insides apart and i could feel that my inside were almost crumblin to de pit of my stomachs. but if hes meant to be w that girl, i will have to accept it and put on a brave front. tis was my doin and i have to accept de consequences. no matter how much i feel like dyin just knowin. but i have to accept it. I HAVE TO. i do not have a choice. i am no longer someone in a position to Have choices. i no longer deserve such pleasantries.
and it doesnt matter whad i want anymore. its about doin de right thing now, and for de one i still truly love. for me to have at least a piece of mind that ive done tis, even if it might not werk. to know that ive tried to at least change his life, in a more positive manner, before i die. even if its a minute change. it doesnt matter. i know he can carry on once he has startd.
all i need now is patience, perseverance, be thick-skinnd and loyal. somethin that would have been so much better like 6months earlier.
because i believe that de ol Hanis is still there. down deep, in his heart. hidin in a cave because of whad i did.
ive summond demons from within him and i need to be there to fight alongside him. if i want to get de ol warrior back, sacrifices will be needed. and it will no longer come from him.