did he change his mind? did he just realised that actually, i dont even deserve to befriend him?
or could tis mean that they are finally.... my worst fears basically.
i will still wait till he tells me. as a friend. and when tt time comes, i wouldnt want to cry in front of him. in front of anyone for tt matter.
i used to think tt cryin in front of others is a gd thing. so they know how i really feel. but now, im just so embarassed. on hindsight, i realised tt ive been a fuckin baby. fuckin emo freak. its one thing to think ure one (emo freak) and its another when others start to agree on their own.
im a walkin fountain sometimes.
i hope theres an explanation from him so as to not let my paranoia spread.
or would i rather not know????
Friday, June 26, 2009
yesterday has to be de HAPPIEST and SADDEST DAY of my life after de breakup.
he is so gorgeous. i just wanna run my hand thru his messy afro and cup his face in my hands and just stare into his magnificent eyes forever. ive missd that face. i realised i was starin at his nose alot when we were talkin. subconsciously. im pissd w myself for barely rememberin half de things that he said. but i can remember that whole person for a very long time from now. it hurts so bad just sittin down there, beside him, when i know i can just reach over and touch his beautiful face. and just trace de areas under his eyes, his cheekbones, his nose bridge and his lips with my fingers.
but beneath all that emotions, lies a deeper fight, within myself. de fight to, for once in my life, put him honestly before me. de fight to help him be a better person. he is by NO way not good enough. he is. but in a very pessimistic way. not de way he used to be. its hard because as much as i want him to change to be a happier and less negative person, he likes bein like tis. he doesnt Want to change. and i no longer want to disagree w him. but tis does not mean that im gonna give up on him. you see, i decided to just leap into de idea of talkin to him. because tis picture poppd in my head and i just had to do de right thing.. for once. picture tis.. you have just ruind de one you love's future/life/soul. he tried to stay as friends even though you screw up big fuckin time. but u dont think its enough (whad a bitch!) and he cant give you that. eventually, he decided that he thinks a clean break will be good. but at tt point, you werent up for it. after many unhappy moments, you sort of rationalise and realised tt you are bein selfish. and that you should give him whad he wants. tho by then, you dont really know whad he was feelin. so anw, you just cut off all ties w him. and he realised it and seems upset. after awhile it seems like That too doesnt seem to help him. which suddenly makes you wonder.... is it de right thing, to ignore a person whom u still love, when u have just caused him misery for like 5 months and it was because of whad YOU did, not him?? it doesnt seem fair is it? so you try to do de right thing now right and TIS i believe is de start of de right thing for me to do.. i might need more perseverance and patience, somethin i tend to take very lightly when im w him. but if I wanna make amends, and he is kind enough to talk to me, i think tis might werk. if i can show him how truly loyal i am to tis mission, its a step taken to show that im repentant.
some of you my disagree, but i think TIS might be de reason as to why my many (ok, two..) suicidal attempts didnt go well. yeah... that just clickd in my head as i type away... TIS IS my salvation! i need to be strong for him. i need to just be there. to let him know that yes, there are still ppl who cares. that he didnt change into someone bad. he is de last person to be known as Bad. but yes, i cant deny de fact that ive been taken off-guard alot by whad he has been up to. one of which nearly tore my insides apart and i could feel that my inside were almost crumblin to de pit of my stomachs. but if hes meant to be w that girl, i will have to accept it and put on a brave front. tis was my doin and i have to accept de consequences. no matter how much i feel like dyin just knowin. but i have to accept it. I HAVE TO. i do not have a choice. i am no longer someone in a position to Have choices. i no longer deserve such pleasantries. and it doesnt matter whad i want anymore. its about doin de right thing now, and for de one i still truly love. for me to have at least a piece of mind that ive done tis, even if it might not werk. to know that ive tried to at least change his life, in a more positive manner, before i die. even if its a minute change. it doesnt matter. i know he can carry on once he has startd.
all i need now is patience, perseverance, be thick-skinnd and loyal. somethin that would have been so much better like 6months earlier. because i believe that de ol Hanis is still there. down deep, in his heart. hidin in a cave because of whad i did.
ive summond demons from within him and i need to be there to fight alongside him. if i want to get de ol warrior back, sacrifices will be needed. and it will no longer come from him.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
im away from home currently. and will update abt whad i had been up to soon.
now, whad i really wanna talk abt is how im still affectd by Him.
first of all, i will be typin tis as if im really talkin to Him. so pls bear w me and read along. thats why u came to my blog right??
You are de last person i would think of bein affectd by anyone elses werds. Remember when you used to tell me, that i shouldnt get affectd by whadever other ppl say? As long as you know youre right, its all good.. Remember?? I know you feel that im de last person you would wanna hear from or you feel that i dont deserve or have de right to be even sayin tis to you.. afterall, im really not de ideal/best/right person to be givin advice. Even way before we came to tis situation, ive told you that im not an advisor. Or a listener. Or a loyal gf. Okay, im sidetrackin n that last bit i think ive given my werd to u before. But seriously, why do you get so bothered? I know they probably dont mean to hurt your feelins. Can you imagine that they probably feel de same way too if they read ur blog? Like you, they probably regret or wishd they hadnt said those things to you. I seriously do not know whad ure referrin to as it is always vague so im just assumin alot here. But youve become so negative and sensitive. Its really heartbreakin seein you perpetually upset. I know i dont deserve to mention abt you bein upset because all of these wouldnt happen if I had not screwd up your life. I'M de cause for ur misery and again, im sorry. If i could do somethin that can make you feel so much better (not cured or not like before), just make you feel abit more positive and off that plateau, i would. WHADEVER it is. I SWEAR.
I dont know why you wanna quit de band. Again, its probably due to u bein sensitive and yes, commitment issues. But hey, minor setbacks. I know ive never been a good supporter to ur music but u shouldnt give up. Thats another thing u told me before about. Dont give up. Youre not a quitter Hanis. I am, but not you. Youre so much stronger. Even before we were together. You gave me hope and always encourage me. I look up to you so much. If you give up on ur music, i will give up on my life. Its not a threat. Its just that much easier for me to give up knowin that you do it now too. And ive heard your music before. In de bus. And i rememberd that it was good. Ironic huh? You probably think im tryin to suck up. Yeah maybe i am. But i realised too that bein detachd from you, made me look at perspective from a friend's angle. A stranger even. And it was good. Meaningful werds and good melody. So, just have patience and werk on de band. If not, werk on your guitar on your own when you guys cant meet up. Just dont give up sweets.
Maybe today was a bad day for you. I hope tomorrow will be a better day. Because de worst day was over. Five months ago.
Monday, June 22, 2009
if you had askd me about an hour ago to type an entry, for an update for de past 3 days, i would have had much to type.
but now, i have very heartfelt stuffs only.
1. A true friend is one who can curse at you and tell you how fuckin messd up you are, in your face. And did this because she cares.
2. I have only GREAT FILTH for myself and will FOREVER BE GUILT-RIDDEN. if that even counts as smtg.
3. I am TRULY and FOREVER SORRY for ALL DE HURT. i truly am. from deep within my heart. if i still have a heart after whad i did.
4. I have found a way to conjure de PAIN and HURT, and i Want to feel it. whad doesnt kill you.... only makes you ungrateful.
5. I left my New Moon in a friends car. So de jist of no.5 is that, I will have Bella's Cliff Divin Experience in my head durin tis Bintan trip.
"As if I never existed...." - Edward Cullen
Thursday, June 18, 2009
i woke up early tdy. and so i decided to go for a mrng jog. that was like ard 9. aft 20mins of runnin, i stoppd. fat burnin run only and ive just startd runnin again so 20mins is a gd timin. so when i stoppd runnin, i feel like pukin badly. but i couldnt bcos i havent eat breakfast. my fault, ok.
durin tis time i had an epiphany. which i cant rmrb now. FUCK.
so awn, aft stretchin, i went home. and spent 1 and a half hour lyin outside my house! my stuupid brother died in his sleep so he didnt hear me knock and rock de door. at one point my neighbour came out and saw me on de floor. she thought i passd out. chet! ringgeyy! i plannd on brutally assaultin my brother when i finally get to go in de hse. like grab de 200-page maths book tt was alr on de livin rm table and whack his guts out till wakes up. sooo many ideas.. but in de end, im toooo nice of a person/sister and tt just resorted to givin a pissd look and huffd alot and bury my anger in a packet of nasi sambal goreng.
im in sch now. will do my required werk soon. but before tis, i met bert at tamp and we went for lunch. yes, im a pig. planned for our trip next wk and i actually enjoyd myself so far tdy. still not in a chatterboxy mood but im still able to entertain him.
i wonder whether He will ever blog again. im slowly realisin tt His last entry had a deeper meanin. co sit sounds like he wont ever update again.... im worried.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
i dreamt of Him tis mrng. like, i just dreamt of him and then i kinda wake up and i was like no! no! must get back to sleep. come on!!! recall recall!!
well, i kinda manage to do so. for a while. then i dont know whad happend. whether i dreamt of smtg else or i woke up. but i think i woke up cos then i rmbrd feelin pissd w myself.
sigh. im beginnin to feel like Bella Swan all over again.
aaanyway, i realised tt im waayyyyyyy backdated for my maths. i got really blurrr for like de first 5mins i startd studyin. in de end, i decided to do a review of my sec 2 chapters since i dont have sec 1 book. my skimmin-thru werent tt fast. i still got like maybe half a book more to do. maybe tonight. hopefully by next wk i can start doin papers without zonkin out bcos i know zilch abt it. hopefully la.
oh, im at de cybercafe again. much more pleasure usin de Internet here cos my house one is DAMN, FARKIN SLOWWW. i'll pay 1.10 only so even tho im effin broke, im fully satisfied usin de Internet here. waste alot of my time at home, waitin. and eventually, i just lost interest. urghh. luckily till july only. but i think its de comp. tsk. must do servicin/repair for both comp n lappie at home soon. dammit.
well, as u can see, im really chatterin nonsense here. cos im at ease w de comp. hahahaah!
my bait of a friend has not textd me. i think he gave up. hahahha!!! or hes busy werkin. now tt he has ord and gotten his ol carrefour job back. gd for him. cos i dont think im up for any goin-outs now. im feelin v homey past few days. buttt, tmrw must go sch. get tt board settled and discuss abt de itinerary for next monday till wednesday bintan trip. dont feel that Up for de trip for a few reasons. like, one, im feelin homey still. two, im still not feelin chatterboxish. three, im not payin for a single damn thing! courtesy of bert. installments ok? promise.
but i hope i WILL enjoy it. i better do. its not my money.
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
i dreamt of robert pattinson last night.
my main aim of bloggin tdy is to let u know that apparently my bait werkd. HAHHAHA!!! but too bad. he caught me at a bad time when im still emoin and thus, i told him off. in a nice way tho. but seriously, if he had said that to me like a few days earlier, i would have said yes. (as you can refer to my previous updates.) so... yeah. too bad for him.
im likin my emo state now. had i not been emo, i would have gone for him now too. hahaha... powerful werds can influence you. and if it comes from someone who you used to lookd up to so much, its even faster.
like ive said before, somehow im not meant to be in a rship or smtg cos there will always be smtg in de way. like when i Did like de guy, hes almost attached. move on to next. when i Did like de guy, hes too high strung / out-of-reach kinda guy. move on to next. when i Did like de guy, he treats me like doll. move on to next. when i Did like de guy, he liked me back a little too late. wow. ive just realised that within 4mnths, ive liked 4 different guys.. HAHAHA!!!! but not one month each... my infatuations dont last apparently.
anyway, things will probabaly start takin a U-turn, now that i have just mentioned all those. it doesnt happen de same way once u start mentionin ard, believe me. im not de only one who has experience tis kinda shit. when u r confident abt smtg, say... ur rship?, de unevitable will come chasin u and caught up, eventually. so, expect de unexpected?? well, just live ur life for now. and rmbr that God always have a gd reason for de things tha happend.
if its meant to be, its meant to be.
i need tro give a huge shout out to all de guy friends that have been spendin time w me. some evidently fallin Or disgusted by me. with de lack of female companionship for me to hurl out my feelins / actions, you guys have been there to support me. ive been very lucky to make / found tis new 'brotherhood'. no amount of werds can help me say how grateful i am for ur listenin ears, ur company, ur money and ur hours spent w me. Thank You from de bottom of my heart. i hope that tis friendship will last and maybe u guys can join my grp of ladies to be MY bridesmaids and best men.
HAHAHHA!!!! as if im gonna get married!!
im gonna stay in tdy and wadch robert pattinson FAKE a kiss w kristen stewart on mtv movie awards that ive missd for de past TWO FUCKIN DAYS!
readin New Moon all over again. strengthens de emo feelin. Kudos!